Friday Fast Fiction: The Diet Sandwich


Walter cursed after he pressed his hands into the soft mound of flesh, aka, his stomach. Another day had passed without exercising. It was time to listen to his brother who eked out a living as a fitness guru with a fool-proof, two-point diet plan.

Step One: Walter purchased a large meaty sandwich that he placed on the coffee table in front of the TV. The goal was to “live” all day without eating it.

Step Two: Armed with a photo of the sandwich, Walter went on a hike in the nearby forest. He was starving at the start of the trail. Hold the photo in front of you, then clear your mind of any thought of food, his brother had said.

After trekking several hundred feet, he realized the hunger was gone. He pulled out the photo and raised a middle finger to it. “I ‘m destined to be a diet champion,” he laughed.

Walter continued his hike, unaware that Ralph Morse was 24 hours fresh out of the state prison where he had taken an unofficial leave via a laundry truck. Morse was more stupid than dangerous. He’d been duped into driving the getaway car and, thanks to poor legal representation, was hit with the maximum sentence.

Walter heard Morse before he saw him. At first he thought a deer was running through the woods.

The two men stopped about ten feet away from each other on the trail. Morse, dressed in blue pants and a white tee shirt, held his mouth open, but said nothing.

“Are you okay?” asked Walter.

“I’m hungry.”

“All I have is a photo of a sandwich.”

Morse walked up to Walter who held the photo up in the air.

“Nice…where is it?”

“In front of my TV.”

“Bizarre, dude. How about some cash?”

“I have two dollars.”

“Drop to your knees!” The booming voice belonged to a uniformed officer with a rifle pointed at the two men.

The officer spoke into his chest pocket. Soon reinforcements arrived. Morse was put in handcuffs. One officer took the photo from Walter’s hand.

“What’s this?”

“A number 6 from the Sandwich Spot,” said Walter, trembling.


That night Walter sat in front of the TV with the sandwich still in place. He watched himself being interviewed for the news and laughed.

Before bed he weighed himself: down 1.5 pounds.  He wrapped up the sandwich and put it in the refrigerator.

“My brother is a genius.”

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